Susie homemaker has left the effin kitchen

As I age (albeit gracefully) I'm a little over the fancy schmancy outings that I use to diet prior too, get all spray tanned for and kill myself finding the 'perfect' dress that made my body look perfect! Because when you're in your 20's it's not so hard. But in your 30's when you're now factoring in you have to find Spanx®, Wonderbras® and all the other crutches that help you feel better in that dress instead of the sausage you are turning into! :)

Somewhere in your mid 30's you begin to not give a rats ass about what you feel everyone else wants to see you do. Listen, for some reason we were raised thinking we needed to be superwomen, be able to cook, clean, work, juggle the kids, have friends, learn the new layout of Facebook and BAKE things like Baked Alaska.


Have you ever tried to bake a Baked Alaska?? Don't even attempt it.
There are some things left for gourmet chefs and no, you don't need to be able to do it all.


It's kinda hard to clean this up. Takes more effort and I've been missing my womans daily multi but mostly and borrowing a famous line "frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!"

Kisses,
Aggie

Heidi Montag

What a hot mess! She's an adorable girl...well, WAS...until she decided to make herself into a Mattel doll. Have you seen the cover of People Magazine? "Addicted to plastic surgery" ----> Uhhhh....ya think?!

She's what like 23 years old and had an eyebrow lift? And lypo on WHAT? She's the size of a stick figure and has lypo....AND a butt augmentation?! :O

Why? Honestly, if anyone is trying soooooo hard to 'be famous' it's Heidi. She will do ANYTHING to be recognized, even mutilate her own body to make the cover of a magazine. Oh trust me.... it shows her full recovery, with photos, etc....not like she had that planned, right?!

Now, I'm definitely NOT against plastic surgery. If you're a 20 something and saying you are...just wait till you're 40 something, you may be so inclined to change your mind! ;)
That being said, you can take those procedures way to far and turn into some other sort of species. Take Jocelyn Wildenstein for instance. Just creeps me out!



If you haven't been to awefulplasticsurgery.com you need too!

Things to remember:
~There is such thing as TOO much anything, especially plastic surgery.
~It's almost impossible to come back to some sort of 'normal' once you've gone too far.
~Not all doctors are created equal. Half of the practicing doctors graduated in the bottom half of their class. ;)
~You get what you pay for- So if someone is going to change the way you look, don't shop for a bargain deal. Pay the $$ to go to a reputable 'plastic surgeon' who is board certified. (These days, an anaesthesiologist can take a weekend class and perform breast augmentations. Yikes!)
~And don't change yourself for other people.

Personally I think Heidi is going to so regret this drastic move. She literally looks like someone else. Her older sister maybe? Gone is the youth, she took for granted....
Just ask any woman in her 40's about that! You're early 20's are THE time. Bask in it. Enjoy it.
Boob jobs make more sense to a mom that's had a couple of kids and boobs look like flat pancakes from all the breast feeding. Not a 23 year old, perfectly perky, doesn't realize what she has, Hollywood wannabe.

Ok, I'm getting of the soap box now.

Kisses,
Aggie

just lie

For the guys out there....

Your suspicions were right.....Women are manipulative, passive-aggressive and downright evil beyond your wildest imagination!!

If you ever cross a woman, KNOW that she is methodically plotting and planning how to get your ass back, one way or another.....no ands, ifs or buts about it!

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" even Jesus Christ himself KNEW that this creature doesn't play around. Take if from one ;)

This is not something that we planned to be like, it's biology. Lets imagine early man....in his cave. He was the hunter. He took his stick and ran around catching food for his family. Now, the woman, of course, was the gatherer....but lets expand on that thought a little...shall we?

This was not some weak little gatherer just combing the grounds looking for edibles like berries, leaves, etc....she was one cunning bitch, a hunter herself. Probably scouting food and snatching it right out from under the nose of other gatherers. She had to provide for her family too, which took manipulation, persuasive tactics and balls of steel!

Young women (younger than 20) are still naive and haven't learned all the skills that a woman in her 30's has notched on her belt. It's not until your 30's that the 'I don't f*ing think so' light bulb goes on and you speak up!

It's typical to see a young woman doing whatever a guy wants to do, to keep him happy.......but boy do the tables turn as she comes into her own being and realizes.....she has a voice! Obviously this does not apply to everyone and is just my humble opinion.

I do find it fascinating how frequently women are called jaded or bitches simply because they have an opinion and don't do whatever they're told. When naivety is gone.....watch out!

So, in a nutshell, you can win an argument against a woman...temporarily, but be certain she's socking that info away, far into that gelatinous mass between her ears to pull out and slam you with YEARS maybe even DECADES down the road! So in the end, you really never win. A woman forgets NOTHING. She can carry on an entire conversation with someone and be listening to your every word...... And good luck with forgiveness...that's a tough one too...simply because we never forget.

So the next time your woman asks you if her outfit makes her look fat....LIE! Tell her everything she wants to hear, because HELL NO, she doesn't want the truth!
Don't cheat........and listen to what she has to say. Seriously....doing housework is a major turn on for women! Doing the dishes and telling her to go relax..........FOREPLAY. Are you listening??

Don't try to win arguments, it's pointless. She thinks with both sides of her brain, is highly skilled in both verbal & non verbal communication, uses her sexuality like a warrior with a samurai sword and can bleed three months out of the year and not die.
Need I say more....

Kisses,
Aggie

the joys of motherhood

There are two camps out there. Women who have children and women who don't. You are in one or the other.
On camp 'A's' side.....you have the women who have children and in camp 'B' women who don't.

Camp 'A' can be....well, lets just say it....bitches to camp 'B' and trust me, women can be cruel. Camp 'A' tends to think and I'm generalizing here...but many tend to feel like they are more of a woman than those in camp 'B'. The barren are selfish and spend all their time on themselves. They can't attend all the 'cool' play dates, simply for the fact that they HAVE NO CHILDREN! A play-date is where they sit and swap their favorite diaper brands, rash ointments and new learning DVD's that are out. They swap organic baby food recipes and talk all about the last visit to the doctor, ooh's and ahhh's galore and dote on each others pookie-kins! I've even seen play dates where these women drink...and when I say drink...I mean knocking down the wine! That should be a sign....! And by the way......I'm in camp 'A' so....yeah.

The women in camp 'B' I'm sure feel like less of a woman. Like a 'old maid' and the biological clock can be a bitch....a bitch at 3am, drunk and banging on your door!! And as women get older, this bitch bangs even harder on that door....and the feeling to procreate gets stronger. This as we all know is biology....something that keeps the species from going extinct.

Here's the thing....that almost ALL women with children would NEVER dare breathe even a SINGLE word and I seriously....(could be shot) for breaching CODE: SHUTTHEF*UP....so strap on your seat belts because this is going to be.....ba-rutally honest.

Secretly..and I mean, oh so secretly....camp 'A' is envious of camp 'B'! Camp 'A', while their kids are all groomed with ribbons and bows and the most adorable little shoes to match, are being chauffeured around in the latest mini-vans with little dvd players on the backs of the seats, enjoying that chicken nugget happy meal with apple fries and a juice, oh isn't life grand....the mom is thinking, "ok, play date done. Kids are fed so that means I may be able to bag dinner. Oh crap, I forgot, I need to pick up cupcakes for the preschool class tomorrow...so I'll just swing by publix to grab those......and dry cleaning, don't forget to grab the dry cleaning......"

The trip to publix goes like this:

1. Find a parking space
2. Get the kids out of the car seats
3. Walk as fast as you can so that woman headed for the obnoxiously big, looks like a car, shopping cart- doesn't grab it before you can! HAHA biotch! <--- she thinks, but smiles nicely :)
4. Do your shopping, all the while hearing whining, keeping either child from climbing out of the cart. At some point,begging for something insues.
5. Aggravation starts to set in.
6. Looking at the clock starts to happen, because there are more errands to do.
7. The littlest one is smacking the older child. Loud crying is ringing throughout the store. People are now giving you the stink eye.
8. You make threatening faces to your own children and whisper things like, "stop it now!"
9. Even more people look and start to judge you
10. Your pace picks up because you just want to get the hell out of the store
11. You notice a woman about your age, casually shopping with no screaming kids in tow.....and THIS IS WHERE IT HAPPENS. When you can't help but feel just a tiny bit envious of this other, childless, woman.

Why? Because she has FREEDOM! This does not at all mean, women don't love their children. We all love our children, but there are times....when not having one looks okee dokee.

Women rarely ever speak about the 3am crying spells with the infant that won't go to sleep, is not hungry, has a clean diaper, has been rocked, burped, fed, loved, burped again and STILL won't go to sleep! Tears usually flow. Women are tired, sleep deprived and aggravated. You can feel terribly alone, frustrated, happy, overwhelmed, tired, bitchy, content, joyful, drained, regretful and blessed all in a 4 hour window.

Life as they have known it is forever changed. Gone are the days of grabbing your shoes and your purse and running to the store to quickly grab a gallon of milk. Now it involves getting children ready...and everything that goes with it. It can take a mom 30 minutes just to get everyone, including herself, ready to go to the store! Oh how quickly it's not about you anymore.
Did you ask for this? Is this how it's supposed to be? Some moms, deep inside are miserable until the child gets to a certain age when they can start to do more things for themselves. Now this depends on the woman, if she has any help from her husband, if she's incredibly patient or in my case, not......
Kids are a double edged sword...a blessing and a curse at the same time.

To all the women in camp 'B'......enjoy the time to yourself. Enjoy being able to fit into your clothes......go out with your girlfriends and dance the night away......take a shower & style your hair every day......and do whatever you want whenever the hell you want! Because honey, YOU can! :)

Kisses,
Aggie

I WANT SUGAR!!!

So...you'll notice a trend with my posts...they are all about FOOD!!! I am constantly thinking about it. What will I eat next, what can't I eat, what will I eat tomorrow, what did I eat, what's she eating????!! I am totally obsessed with it. I am not actually "fat" but apparently my mind wants me to be. So my blog name is Fatty McFatterson.

I started the new year out on Jillian's diet as well and have been enjoying these tasty 100 calorie chocolate treats. They actually hit the spot but sometimes I just want to go overboard with candy and chocolate and eat till it hurts. :) but nooooo...I can't. :( I've figured out that it's actually sugar I crave. Splenda is good but it's like non-alcoholic beer. It tricks you for a minute but you know it's not the real thing.

Hopefully this diet will change how I think about food but it hasn't happened so far. All I want to do is stuff these incredible looking treats into my mouth as fast as possible.

I have to look away now. Going to "enjoy" some tea WITHOUT sugar now. :(

till next time

Fatty McFatterson

A little help please!

I love my husband, Burt...well, we'll just call him Burt....I love him dearly! He can be sweet, kind, loving, supportive and my biggest fan. He's a fantastic bread winner, takes great care of his family and is a good dad. He's loyal and a home-body and I wouldn't trade him for the world.
That being said.......there are a few things that irritate the hell out of me and here are just a few:
1. He doesn't take the trash out or the recyclables, for that matter...
2. He will not do anything considered 'domestic' or that a is a "womans job" :-)
3. He is very smart so he can come across as an arrogant ass at times
4. I spend a lot of time cleaning up emotional messes because of #3
5. He tends to get stuck in the 'all about me' way of thinking
6. For as smart as he is, he tends to be socially inept (at times) and last but not least
7. He has a very difficult time, seeing someone else's side of the story

Ok, kinda hate to air the poor guys dirty laundry, but hey, this is just simple honesty.
And I'm not saying I'm perfect.......FAR from it.....and for all I know he could have a blog titled: living with a demanding biotch :) but I doubt it.

Anyway......he's old school. Like his father before him...where there are distinct roles. One for the man which is mostly the bread winner and the rest of the stuff gets kicked to the woman.

Now, this would all be good and well, if staying at home and doing all of the domestic duties was all that I had to do, but NO......wait a minute.....I work...crazy hours. Usually anywhere from 70 & up hrs a week. I have my own business and it's keeping me busy! So.......hey.......a little help please!!

This am, for example. Our son, has to get up for school. He's still in elementary so I get up, 6am'ish, get him ready and to the bus stop.
Well, this am, my husband was up at the same time too. Not sure why, but he was up....and I couldn't help but think...."W H Y are we both up? If he's up, can't he do this and I can go back to bed?" I must have been sending out a "WTF" vibe that he picked up on because at that exact moment, he said, "why don't you go back to bed and I'll get him to the bus stop." THANK YOU JESUS! Woot-Woot!

I mean......I'm sure I'm not the only woman who goes thru this! Is it me?! lol

Kisses,
Aggie

New Years Resolutions

Lets just dive right in, shall we?!

Of COURSE, my new years resolution is to lose the 20-25 lbs I need to lose. Firstly, because I'm sick of not fitting into my clothes and I refuse to buy a size larger, but also because, well, I was going to say because of heath, which is true, but really, it's mostly because I want to fit into my clothes! This is, after all, a brutally honest blog...

So, it's the 4th day of this Jillian Michaels diet and I'm already hungry ALL OF THE TIME! Diets and I have a hard time getting along because of my love of FOOD! I love food! I love to eat. I don't see food as sustenance....but an experience. It has great meaning.....sitting, exploring a plate of whatever! Salty, spicy, sweet or savory.....doesn't matter to me...because it's all good! It's an ongoing joke with my friends about where to meet for lunch. They already know I DON'T CARE because I can eat anything. Well, almost anything. I can't quite picture myself eating some of the "delicacies" is see Andrew Zimmern eat. Pigs balls will never be in my mouth. Period.

I'm a pasta girl. I make pasta dishes for my family several times during the week. I've tried to switch to whole grain pasta but it's texture is something that takes some getting use too...so I'm hoping the two week to retrain your taste buds thing kicks in here soon. Breads too.......LOVE breads, and all kinds of breads! Mostly whole wheat, but the occasional french loaf, sliced, toasted and topped with bruschetta or olive tapenade or even an EVOO dip with seasoning....YUMMY! And don't even get me started about donuts!

Can you tell I'm hungry?! Christ! The paint on the walls is starting to look good! lol

I'm also a diet coke girl....usually one icy cold can during the day. I am starting to think they put something in those cans that make you crave it! I don't really crave any other drink, which I do drink like water, milk or juices....it's the diet coke! I will get in my car and drive like a crack head to get a diet coke! Run into the store, itching and scratching and looking for that silver can! Could they actually do that? Add additives that make you addicted? If you know, let me know. Oy, vey. Breaking up with Diet Coke would be hard to do, but I guess it could be done with a few weeks worth of vodka Valium lattes. :) j/k

So, as far as the diet goes.........we shall see. I'm a southern girl, raised on southern cooking....and boy does Cracker Barrel sound good right about now! Perseverance Aggie, perseverance!

Kisses,
Aggie